Why do I feel this way? Seriously. God what in creation have I done that constitutes you coming down and screwing with my heart like this? Why have I taken this life that you have given me in perfect love and ruined it? How is it that I've forgotten who you are? How do I call myself a Christian and be content with saying that? What does that word even mean Lord? How stupid do I have to be to think that if for one second, or for one fallible person, I could let go of the barriers of my heart? God, dang it, I now know why you have spoken clearly about heart issues. But why has it taken failure, Lord? What did I do to my life that has caused me to feel heartbreak? Why do I feel like blaming you? It's my own fault for pushing you away. Why is it that for one more time I ask: Do you still love me? (to a human, mind you, whom cannot love near as much as you?). Have I not trusted in you enough to say it to me the past 3,000,000,000,000 times you've said it to me in the past waking moments you've allowed me to breathe air on your earth? Where in the hell is my faith?
God I long and pray right now over a young generation - faith of a mustard seed- that should be rooted and bounded in love in Jesus' mighty name over their hearts. Take your love and brand it to them in Jesus name. Brand it to them more than the love of SoS 8:6. If you ever want to "Save our Selves", Beloved I ask of you to read the greatest SoS book in the Bible Song of Solomon. My heart races at how much you love me, yet how disconnected I often feel. I get great exhilaration at how much you love me in the greatest love song ever. The highest romance! Your love for me!
But God I return to the question I've had for a year and a half now: Why, if we were created to be in the likeness of your image and the emodiment of who you are, were [we] I in particular, created to love you and the rest of the world with as much as you love them (if not more) yet most of the time we fail in every way possible? (Genesis 1:26,27) What does unconditional love look like? Because Lord I thought I gave that to someone I loved a long time ago and it seemed to keep the "Raya" part of love as explained throughout the Psalms and Song of Solomon. It kept part of the flame burning for awhile in my relationship but it just did not work. Everything was not there. What was it missing? I've not the slightest doubt that you were missing somewhere in that relationship.
Yet, I knew a relationship would fail unless both of [us] met in Christ, in love with you, and came with a great development of love for you, that then would we be able to begin to love you unconditionally and one another unconditionally. It's what drives the look of love without even the need to say the word. The world calls it the "look" in the eyes, and the Word calls it "love". Why did I try to make it work without involving you?
Love has three Hebrew meanings throughout scripture:
Ahavah-love of the will (making a decision to join your life to the life of another) It makes a relationship last. It is the desire to be nowhere else with nobody else then where you are in the moment (commitment).
Raya- love of friendship (trust; the ability to have faith in and rely on someone--soulmate)
Dode- the love of carousal, fondling. (sexual intimacy)
Lord I'm here now because I desire freedom. I'm here because I desire something more. I desire for you to romance my heart. I'm here because I want to give my life to you. I want you to take my life if that means you need to save Fort Wayne. I desire to be a martyr for Christ. I've been created to fail at trying to love you more than you love me. And I still don't get it. My heart wants to come to a rest, and my mouth just wants to say now "I'm ready to be "F" ree...
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